Welcome to the CBS News vice-presidential debate. To mix it up tonight, we grabbed this kind and empathetic Everyman, Tony, off the street and put him in a suit. He’s an absolute loser, but with an incredibly unique skill. He has the worst poker face in America, as you can see. There will not be a fact check of any sort tonight, but Tony will be providing a vibe check. “What’s a vibe check?” Read the card, Tony. “OK. Usually, a vibe check is a quick assessment to see if everyone’s having a good time at the bar. But tonight, it’s more just taking the temperature on whether our Republic will still exist in four years. My God.” “Tonight, our country is facing several unfolding crises. The Middle East is on the brink of war. Americans are suffering from the catastrophic impact of Hurricane Helene.” “And first of all, thanks, Governor, thanks to CBS for hosting the debate.” “Aw.” “And thanks, most importantly, to the American people who are watching this evening.” “And I don’t necessarily disagree with that.” “I actually think — I agree with you. I think you want to solve this problem, but I don’t think that Kamala Harris does.” “— the right of this. I agree with a lot of what Senator Vance said about what’s happening.” “This is a debate, right?” “They were wrong about that.” [MUMBLING] “They were wrong about the idea that if we made — But I unfortunately think that we have to increase security in our schools. We have to make the doors lock better. We have to make the doors stronger. We’ve got to make the windows stronger.” [MOANING] “The idea that we could magically wave a wand and take guns out of the hands of bad guys, it just doesn’t fit with recent experience, so we’ve got to make our schools safer. And I think we’ve got to have some common sense, bipartisan solutions.” “In Congress, I was one of the most bipartisan people.” “Hmm.” “So I’ve become friends with school shooters. Well, of course, that’s not true. And again, you have the facts. I guess we agreed not to fact check. I’ll check it.” “We have so much to get to.” “Margaret, I think it’s important, because the debate —” “We’re going to turn now to the economy. Thank you.” “Margaret, the rules were that you guys weren’t going to fact check.” “The economy —” “And since you’re fact checking, I think it’s important to say what’s actually going on.” “Wait, so we’re not checking — we’re not checking — we’re not checking facts?” “I hope not.” “Are we still checking vibes?” “There’s no doubt, this thing roared onto the scene faster and stronger than anything we’ve seen.” “OK.” “Exactly.” “Vibes clearly are still good.” “Absolutely.” “First of all, Governor, I agree with you.” “Good God, enough with the niceties. Let’s hear some insults.” “I’ve not been perfect, and I’m a knucklehead at times.” “No, no, no. Insult him.” “No.” “I’ve seen what you’ve said about him.” “Here’s what you won’t hear is — — and I’ve got three beautiful little kids at home.” [MUSIC PLAYING] “(SINGING) Three beautiful little kids to a beautiful wife My grandmother raised me, a beautiful wife, beautiful wife I grew up in a small town I agree I joined the National Guard, it’s always been about that life Beautiful wife” “Gentlemen, the audience can’t hear you because your mics are cut.” “And I don’t necessarily disagree with that.” “Well, first of all, Tim just said something that I agree with.” “Well, I’ve enjoyed tonight’s debate, and I think there was a lot of commonality here. And I’m sympathetic to misspeaking —” “God, what is nice-guy stuff?” “— on things I think I might have — with the senator.” “Me too, man.” “But there’s one —” “God, I know you don’t agree!” “And I’m going to thank Senator Vance. I think this is the conversation they want to hear. And I think there’s a lot of agreement.” “This is not a date, it’s a debate!” “I think this is the conversation they want to hear.” “Donald Trump said protesters should peacefully protest on January the 6th.” “This is one that we are miles apart on.” “OK.” “He is still saying he didn’t lose the election. I would just ask you that. Did he lose the 2020 election?” “Tim, I’m focused on the future.” “Oh my God, I want to talk about the future, but that’s not what we’re talking about.” “Would you, again, seek to challenge this year’s election results?” “We need to figure out how to solve the inflation crisis caused by Kamala Harris’s policies. Did Kamala Harris censor Americans in the wake of the 2020 COVID situation?” “Nope.” “It is now time for the closing statements. Senator Vance?” “Well, I want to thank Governor Walz, you folks at CBS, and of course, the American people for tuning in this evening.” “OK, here’s my current vibe check. Those closing statements felt a little rehearsed. But you know what? At the end of the day, I am so grateful to be a part of this night, this sacred pillar of our democracy. This —” “And most importantly, thank you to all of you. If you’re still up and the folks who missed ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ I appreciate it.” “I missed ‘Dancing with the Stars?’ O.K. [MUTED]:” [MUSIC PLAYING] “(SINGING) It’s always been about that life, beautiful wife.” “I actually think I agree with you. (SINGING) Beautiful wife.”
