Recently, my husband and I took a road trip, a big oval from our home on Whidbey Island. Our central destination was a family wedding in Salt Lake City. Before and after, we visited with family in northern Nevada and eastern Wyoming. Good visits with everyone, across a range of opinions.
As we left the relatives in Wyoming to return to Whidbey, we had breakfast at a small, very popular cafe near the Montana border. With space only at the counter, we took two of the three seats near one end. One seat separated me from a man (dressed in ranch work clothes) who promptly took flatware and napkins from the dispenser between us and helped us set our places. I smiled and thanked him. He asked me if we were traveling. Yes. Where were we from? “Washington state.” His eyes grew wide. His jaw stiffened. He actually looked as if he needed to protect himself from whatever I might say.
My immediate thought was of a story my brother in northern Nevada told me just days before. When people learn he moved from California, their criticism is immediate and personal. They know nothing about him, his opinions, his perspective on life. Yet, because he’s from California, he’s suspect. It was his first experience of being prejudged based on really nothing. He shared it with me in sadness … and how it hurt.
While my encounter at the cafe was not my first experience of this kind of prejudging, I knew what had happened. And the other diner had been very kind and welcoming (in a practical way) to someone he didn’t recognize. So, how was I to respond?
I smiled at him and told him we lived on an island. He relaxed a little. I told him that we’d been visiting relatives nearby and found the geography and wildlife beautiful. He smiled. Over the next 40 minutes, as we each received and ate our breakfasts, we chatted about many things. I observed his interaction with the servers — lots of mutual respect, comments about his kindness, a generosity that seemed a common part of his life there.
When it was time for us to leave, he wished us safe travels and we wished him a good week and good health.
How I responded made a difference, however small. Focus on his kindness and take myself lightly. Be curious about who he was. I’m glad I did.
This project is funded in part by The Poynter Institute as part of its Beat Academy for reaching polarized audiences.
