When a 45-second video of reality star Taylor Frankie Paul hurling metal barstools at her ex-boyfriend during a 2023 altercation surfaced just days before her season of “The Bachelorette” was set to premier on ABC, the fallout was swift.
ABC said it wouldn’t air the show. Some cast members from both “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” — in which Paul stars — and the “Bachelor” universe distanced themselves. Several content creators who focus on pop culture analysis condemned the display of domestic violence.
But Paul also had a slew of vocal defenders who rushed to social media to label the incident “reactive abuse,” a term used to describe when an abuse victim is pushed to respond in an aggressive manner. It’s a topic that often becomes an online flashpoint among advocates, experts and commentators after high-profile domestic violence cases make headlines.
“Most people online are either completely condemning Taylor or completely justifying it,” Courtney Tracy, a licensed clinical social worker in California, said in a video posted online last week. “The truth is none of us really know what’s going on.”
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In the video, seemingly captured by Paul’s ex-boyfriend Dakota Mortensen and released by TMZ last week, Paul is seen screaming, attacking Mortensen and throwing three barstools during a February 2023 altercation at her house. Shortly after the stool is thrown, her young daughter, who was nearby on the sofa during the fight, can be heard crying.
NBC News has not independently verified the TMZ video, which does not capture what led up to the moment the video began, nor has it viewed the original full video. Court records indicate that Paul pleaded guilty in abeyance to an aggravated assault charge in August 2023.
There are currently no criminal allegations against Mortensen, who filed a temporary restraining order against Paul and was granted temporary full custody of their 2-year-old son, Ever.
But in a statement issued last week in response to the video’s release, Paul’s representative said the reality star is “gaining strength to face her accuser and taking steps to ensure that she and her children are protected from any further harm.”
“There are too many women who are suffering in silence as they survive aggressive, jealous ex-partners who refuse to let them move on with their lives,” the spokesperson added. “Taylor has remained silent out of fear of further abuse, retaliation, and public shaming. She is currently exploring all of her options, seeking support, and preparing to own and share her story.”
Mortensen also issued a statement to People after the video’s release, saying: “As anyone who has seen the video will understand, this is a deeply upsetting situation. I am, unfortunately, used to these baseless claims about me and our relationship, which I categorically deny. I am focusing on our son and his safety, and hope that Taylor will do the same.”
Online, people said they have noticed parallels between their own abusive relationships and Paul and Mortensen’s on-again, off-again situation.
Some have also pointed to the concept of DARVO, a manipulation tactic common in abusive relationships, when analyzing Paul. The acronym, which became ubiquitous in the discourse around Paul, stands for “deny, attack and reverse victim and offender.”
“Sometimes people are pushed to their limits if they’re dealing with abuse day in and day out, mentally, physically, financially, psychologically,” said Ally Langan, a social media user who shared her analysis about how there’s “no perfect victim” when it comes to abuse, telling NBC News she drew from her own experiences.
“People are human, and they do get to a point where they snap, and then the abuser catches just that one moment on camera and not all the other moments leading up to it,” Langan added.
The discussion mirrors other high-profile cases, including the civil trial between actors Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, where millions of viewers analyzed their relationship in real time and debated who was the victim.
Heard settled months after a weekslong televised trial culminated with jurors’ finding that she had defamed Depp by writing in a 2018 op-ed for The Washington Post that she had become a “public figure representing domestic abuse.” Although the essay never mentioned Depp by name, his attorneys said it indirectly referred to allegations she made against him during their 2016 divorce.
Read more of NBC’s coverage of Taylor Frankie Paul:
During the trial, terms like “mutual abuse” and “reactive abuse” gained traction — sometimes offering language for survivors, but also, experts say, muddying distinctions around accountability.
Recent research, including a 2024 review of 64 studies, has suggested that more than half of intimate partner violence is bidirectional, according to Tracy, who has amassed over 146,000 followers on her @the.truth.doctor Instagram page.
There are different types of bidirectional intimate partner violence, she added, including “intimate terrorism,” where violence is developed from a pattern of coercive control, and “situational couple violence,” which comes from conflicts escalating.
“The number one reason found in the research for this behavior is to get back at a partner for emotionally hurting them, followed by stress, jealousy, and trying to express anger they can’t put into words,” Tracy wrote in an email interview with NBC News.
The “primary aggressor” in these dynamics is “often the person who poses the most serious threat, not who necessarily struck first,” she wrote. “And men and women are shown to engage in different types and levels of violence.”
However, Tracy said, she refrains from speculating on the dynamic between Paul and Mortensen, adding that people online also don’t have all the facts to make an accurate assessment.
“There’s a lot of emotionality in the discourse around this situation, and that makes complete sense given what we’re talking about,” Tracy wrote in her email. “People who have been victims are often retraumatized watching this type of content online. I get why people who’ve watched every episode feel confident in their assessment, but as a therapist, that’s just not how it works.”
Armchair diagnosis by the public is “often harmful, and often incorrect,” she added.
While the details of what exactly occurred that night are not immediately clear, police records and bodycam footage seem to highlight Paul’s aggression toward Mortensen. The incident was even featured as a storyline in the first season of “Mormon Wives.”
In the indictment against Paul, which cites a video, police say Mortensen had “redness and swelling around his eyes, swelling on his elbow, scratches on his fingers, and a laceration on his neck” from the incident. The indictment also notes that in the video, Paul’s daughter is struck in the head while she is on the couch.
The video also came amid reports of a separate domestic violence incident involving both Paul and Mortensen, which spurred a pause in filming for the fifth season of “Mormon Wives” after concern from her castmates.
After production halted, a spokesperson for the Draper Police Department in Utah told People that “allegations have been made in both directions.”
As the situation continues to make headlines, others online have suggested the “reactive abuse” narrative is actually harmful.
In one response to the TMZ video, Ariel Hendrix, a domestic violence advocate who says she’s a survivor herself, noted that claiming Paul’s violence was the result of provocation can be triggering for some survivors to hear.
“Do you know what is the most frustrating thing as a domestic violence victim is? Is when someone looks at you and says: ‘Well, why did he do that? What did you do to provoke him to make him act so crazy like that?’” Hendrix said. “And that’s exactly what y’all are saying about Taylor here in this situation: ‘Well, what did he do to provoke her?’”
Therapist Jeff Guenther, known on Instagram to his 1.5 million followers as TherapyJeff, said while it’s possible “reactive abuse” does apply to Paul’s case, the term has also become a “get-out-of-jail-free card.”
“It is rare that we witness a man be a victim of domestic violence, and in these moments, it’s important that we don’t imply he had it coming or deserved it, because that’s exactly what stops other men from coming forward in similar situations,” Guenther said in a recent video.
He said that his own experiences with abusive women in his family “have been minimized my entire life because of their gender.”
Unconscious bias can potentially play a role in public determinations, Tracy also noted.
“When it comes to abuse bias, research shows female-onto-male violence is seen as less serious (it shouldn’t be), and that gender bias influences the perception of any gender who is being harmed,” Tracy said. “The harm of that is justification of abuse, which is not okay under any circumstances.”
Regardless of what led to the physical altercation, many online criticized Paul and Mortensen for putting a child in that type of situation.
“I’m not discounting that both parties can be completely toxic,” “Real Housewives of New York” star Bethenny Frankel said in a recent video. “The fact remains that there was a child in a video where someone threw furniture.”
If you or someone you know is facing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence hotline for help at (800) 799-SAFE (7233), or go to www.thehotline.org for more. States often have domestic violence hotlines as well.
