Despite many changes since the 1950s, women are still doing more chores at home
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Breadwinners
Melissa Hogenboom (Canongate Books 14 August, UK)
Why do unemployed men feel better if their partner is also out of work? Are women more nurturing and empathetic? Why does a messy room seem messier if it belongs to Jennifer rather than John? These are just some of the key questions explored by Melissa Hogenboom in Breadwinners: And other power imbalances that influence your life, which exposes the hidden power dynamics and unconscious cognitive biases shaping our lives.
This isn’t just about who out-earns whom in a relationship; it is a sharp, evidence-based account of how stereotypes and invisible imbalances influence everything from who empties the dishwasher to who advances at work.
Fair warning: it will make you angry – and rightly so. Take housework. Studies show that domestic chores default to women in heterosexual relationships unless consciously corrected. Women do more chores, even when they do longer hours at work. According to Hogenboom, some researchers suggest this may be an unconscious “compensation” mechanism for a non-traditional setup outside of the home.
The gender expectations underlying power imbalances start early. Mothers describe more movement during pregnancy if they know they are having a boy; fathers talk more about emotion with daughters and physical achievements with sons. Fathers’ brains even respond more strongly to their daughters’ emotions.
This reinforces a belief that women are naturally more nurturing or empathetic – expectations that shape everything from childcare to leadership opportunities. In fact, empathy, while influenced by genes, shows no genetic differences between sexes, implying any we see are almost entirely down to social factors.
When some of these expectations are stripped away, a different reality appears. “When there’s no social expectation about which parent stays at home and looks after the baby, the idea that either of you would do it single-handedly seems crazy,” says one male case study, in a same-sex relationship, cited by Hogenboom. “If my husband had suggested going back to work after two weeks I’d have thrown the television out of the window.”
Likewise, writes Hogenboom, mothers in same-sex relationships also experience fewer blocks in their career progression after going back to work than those in heterosexual relationships – suggesting that being a mother itself doesn’t determine such penalties.
The myth of mutuality deludes couples that they have achieved a good balance of labour
The book focuses mainly on the often invisible power wielded by men – the unseen systemic inequalities that are considered normal. At times, the book feels like it could be subtitled: “Women, here’s all the evidence you need to justify why you feel so damn exhausted all the time.”
Yet the plight of men isn’t entirely forgotten. Men who try to rewrite power imbalances often face hurdles, too. One survey of managers Hogenboom cites found that men requesting part-time work were treated with more suspicion than women or teased with comments like, “Where’s mum?” They are denied flexibility more than women, judged as less committed for taking it and can face difficulties forming friendships in parenting groups.
Even couples who think they have cracked equality might be surprised by Hogenboom’s take on invisible power. These systemic inequalities, she writes, are still the most dominant form of power in relationships, constantly at play without couples even realising it.
The myth of mutuality deludes couples that they have achieved a good balance of labour. But in not tracking whose needs have actually been met and who put the work in, they may be fooling themselves, says Hogenboom. A husband may “do all the cooking”, for instance, but who planned the meals, bought the food, washed up and stretched the budget?
Thankfully, there is practical advice as well. Struggling with mental load? Complete the tasks end-to-end, Hogenboom says: “In taking ownership of the whole task, the hidden work is removed.”
Her advice comes as a welcome respite from the onslaught of evidence. While authoritative and precise, Hogenboom’s style of writing leaves little time to marinade in its implications.
But marinade you should. Breadwinners makes a compelling case for recognising the influence of hidden power dynamics where they occur and identifying where and how to rebalance them. The result is fairer relationships, improved well-being more successful careers – and maybe even a few saved marriages.
Helen Thomson is a writer based in London
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