Are you a good mother? If you clicked on this essay, you probably are. You’re no doubt aware that your role is quite important for various health and well-being outcomes, and perhaps you spend time wondering if you are doing it right.
That’s just the sort of thing a good mother worries about, along with a bazillion other things. You probably wonder if your child is sleeping too much or maybe too little. Or growing too slowly or maybe too quickly. And if you are a new parent, you have probably started to worry about teaching your child how to chew. (Please, take this one off your list.)
Are you a perfect mother? I certainly hope not. Being a perfect mother is actually quite harmful. What would a perfect mother even be? Infinitely available or infinitely responsive to their child? Good grief! If that were even possible, it would be a terrible idea. (And thinking you are a perfect mother probably makes you suspect.)
A child’s caregivers are the template for their future relationships, and relationships are not one-way. Do you want to raise a child who believes that the people around them exist primarily to meet their needs? Better that they learn, in an age-appropriate way, that give and take is important in all close relationships.
Being flawed is actually part of a mother’s job. Maybe even the most important part. How else would the children in your world learn that flaws are OK and to accept their own?
And yet, mothers are constantly getting the message that they might not be doing quite enough. It comes from everywhere — books, influencers, their own children. And don’t get me started on mothers-in-law. But an important part of the problem comes from the history of my own field.
Psychiatrists have had a tendency over the years to blame mothers for their kids’ problems. This is a holdover from a time when there were few women practicing in the field. Are mothers hugely important? Obviously, yes. But too often we have overlooked all the credit that mothers deserve, too.
This can end up harming children. I work with young people who are living on their own for the first time, and often I am the first mental health professional they encounter. These include young people who have had serious symptoms for years. When I ask if their parents knew, and whether they considered mental health treatment, and why they didn’t pursue it, a number of expected reasons come up. These include cost, access to care and cultural factors. But too often, I hear that parents did not seek mental health treatment for their teenager because they thought a mental health professional would blame them for their child’s problems. I have heard this explanation as recently as last month.
If you’re still wondering if you’re good enough, please take this quiz:
Have you ever gone to the gym just to take a shower and lie on the floor for a while? No one needs to know. That’s what women’s locker rooms are for!
Have you ever thrown away a toy because it was just too loud and pretended it was lost?
Have you ever recycled some of their artwork because there is just too much and pretended you gave it to Grandma?
Have you ever disappointed your child, or let them push your buttons? I hope you’re human and come with buttons.
Have you ever considered bribery? Like offering to pay your child a dollar to stop picking on their sister, or maybe to let you sleep for another hour? It works surprisingly well in some cases.
If you answered yes to any of these questions, don’t be afraid to join me in admitting that you are not perfect. Good for you.
So this Mother’s Day, I’d like to give the gift of cutting all mothers some slack. Stop wondering if you’re good enough. You are.
