If you thought college football was weird before, just wait until The Onion gets involved.
Picture it: An almost 160-year-old football, rolled out onto the field in a wheelchair.
• Former ESPN “SportsCenter” host Kenny Mayne in the play-by-play booth, at least for a half, and as long as he secures papaya from Jalisco, Mexico and the cover of Teen Vogue beforehand.
• A Miami (Ohio) kicker lining up for a PAT while Jeff Goldblum maniacally laughs in the background.
As Adele once sang, “We could’ve had it all,” and we still might if The Onion CEO Ben Collins gets his wish.
The Onion CEO details wild potential bowl game plans during recent “Pablo Torre Finds Out” episode
In Thursday’s edition of “Pablo Torre Finds Out,” the Pulitzer Prize-winning podcast host sat down with Collins and discussed the satirical newspaper’s efforts to sponsor a college football bowl game, which began with a social media post two years ago when Collins joked, “We’re only two years away from The Onion Premium Sex Bowl™ featuring the worst two teams in the country. It’s 9 quarters long and there is no penalty for roughing the kicker.”
After the post gained traction, Collins pursued college bowl game sponsorship in earnest, eventually connecting with New Orleans Bowl organizers. The Greater New Orleans Sports Foundation denied the request, however, with Collins explaining politics and The Onion’s “Sickos Guy” mascot, a cartoon originally made for The Onion in 2015 of a frayed man leering through a window which has become an unofficial college football mascot over the years for those who enjoy the most perverse the sport has to offer, as playing roles in the decision.
Undeterred, Collins told Torre that he remains interested in having The Onion sponsor a bowl game while offering some ideas being brainstormed for a potential broadcast.
During pre-game, the football used in 1869’s first ever college football game would be pushed onto the field in a wheelchair. The booth, led by Mayne, would feature a cast of characters including local business owners, sweepstakes winners and a college football historian. With television ad space attached to bowl sponsorship, during breaks, The Onion would market fake products such as Dog Blood (it makes you shake, but in a good way).
The in-game experience promises it own set of delights, including a “Handshake Cam” to replace the “Kiss Cam,” an “Ejection Cam,” where mascots would remove attendees from their seats and the 1993 blockbuster “Jurassic Park” airing on the jumbotron as counterprogramming.
In a social media post Thursday, Collins wrote that a number of bowls remain sponsorless with a little over a month until bowl season kicks off, keeping the dream of an Onion-sponsored bowl game alive.
“The No. 1 way to help right now is to get the paper, help us with bills, and help us beat Jeff Bezos,” who owns The Washington Post, which sits directly above The Onion as the fourth-largest newspaper in the United States.
“If this won’t fund independent print journalism, I don’t know what will,” Torre said near the conclusion of Thursday’s episode.
For a sport as wild and chaotic as college football, The Onion would be the perfect bowl sponsor. While the idea may have started as a joke, someone seriously needs to make it happen.
